Monday 17 May 2010

Self portrait - the hardcore version... The Gallery Week 12

This is my entry for Tara @ Sticky Fingers' Gallery Week 12. It's been a tough one for me but I am so glad I did it. I am sure there will be some fantastic entries this week. Please go and have a look at the other entries, as the Gallery is always full to bursting with wonderful photography.


May 2006. This first photo is a bit of a cheat, as I did not take this picture myself. But this was me, with my finger looking like it's stuck up my nose and my hair shiny, long and lustrous. I'm allowed to say that, as by November 2007, I'd been diagnosed with Grade 3 breast cancer and facing chemotherapy. The consultant who broke the dreadful news actually said, "Oh, your beautiful hair". I didn't think that the loss of my hair would be so hard to bear, but it really was.


16 January 2008. I started my chemo in January. I'd had my surgery in November and had to wait for a wound infection to clear up before I could start the chemo. It was a long, hard wait. My fab Hairdresser Friend gave me this hairstyle, which I really loved, but sadly, I knew that it would not last too long. It was designed to ease the transition from long-haired woman to baldy cancer patient.




31 January 2008. One Thursday morning, during my second chemo cycle my hair started coming out in clumps in my hands. It was everywhere and it was making me cry. An SOS call to Hairdresser Friend was made and she came over. She got the electric razor out and this was my Number 2 cut. It was quite a relief to have the hair tamed and I quite liked the pixie-ish look of it. Again, I knew it wouldn't last.



4 February 2008. Sure enough, over the weekend, my hair continued to fall out (from everywhere - that was an interesting bathtime!) and I knew I had to bite the bullet and just shave it all off if I was to keep my sanity - and my soft furnishings hair-free. I went round to my Friend from Way Back's house and Hairdresser Friend came over and did the deed. This is me just after, when I'd got home. I bloody hate this picture - God only knows why I am smiling. I look dreadful.



12 March 2008. I had a couple of wigs. One was long like my old hair, but as I was so pale and thin, I looked too gothic (even for me, the Queen all that is Black). This other wig was kinder on my pallor. I only ever wore my wigs out of the house - they were itchy and annoying and I really could not be arsed to faff about inside. Plus I was scared of setting fire to it whilst cooking. Imagine the scenes...



3 April 2008. These next two pictures are when the chemo was really doing its work and my eyebrows and eyelashes were struggling to survive the onslaught. I look at these pictures and I can't honestly believe that this is me. During this time, I was very poorly and had to just get through the bad days. However, I note that I have applied a little lipstick. Vain throughout the suffering!





7 June 2008. The first four cycles of chemo were the ones that took my hair. I then switched to chemo tablets and although I was still poorly, my hair started to come back. This next picture is where I can see me peeping out through my eyes once more. I remember taking this picture and feeling hope and happiness and a little bit of hmmmm, still got it going on, girlfriend...




28 August 2008. This one was taken on the same day as the photo of O that I picked for Gallery Week 5. A happy, happy day and a happy, newly curly woman enjoying the sunshine and being out and about. This felt like the start of coming out of treatment and although I still had a long way to go emotionally and mentally, things were getting better.



15 May 2010. And this is me now. Out the other side, a little less carefree and a little more weary, but definitely on the up and sporting a really fulsome head of bouncy curls. It was a really drastic way to get a new hairstyle, but I'm really enjoying my curly hair and feeling more and more like me again and less like the breast cancer girl.  



Writing this post has taken courage. I am actually shaking as I type, as the self portraits I've chosen have only ever been seen by a couple of people before today. It feels right though. I took them during the hardest, most soul-stripping time of my life. Looking at them now, I can see what cancer did to me and what it took away.

More importantly though, I can see what I've now got back. Cancer did take me to my lowest ebb, but I didn't stay there. I'll always be changed by what happened to me, but it doesn't define me. I'm moving on and hopefully, I'll keep going and getting further and further away. Thanks, Tara, for giving me the opportunity to get this post out there.

55 comments:

  1. Hun that brought tears to my eyes reading that. You are so incredibly brave for both fighting cancer in the way you have and for sharing those intimate images with us.
    An exceptionally moving post and so brave. Thank you for sharing it. xxx

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  2. What can I say, I am sat here in tears, well Done. I am so proud of you. Cancer really does effect more than just your body. You are wonderful for sharing them with us all. Yep a real inspiration for everyone out ther, it really puts things in perspective.

    Well done

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  3. This is an amazing post written by an amazing person. I feel very priveledged to have shared it! Thank you!

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  4. Oh my goodness, that is amazing. Just amazing. What an incredible journey and you should never underestimate the person that you are today because of it.
    And I'll tell you this, there aren't many people with the sort of face that can pull off all those looks - I know you were ill but you look good with a pixie (hell even with no hair).
    Thank you so much for posting this

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  5. Wow. Just wow.

    And beautiful, through it all, and still now!

    xxxxxxxx

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  6. Brilliant post - thank you so much for sharing. You're an absolute inspiration x

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  7. Thank you for sharing this. Its very humbling. And i think the short hair really suits you. You had it going on indeed! xx

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  8. Wow. Thank you for sharing those photographs. Great to see you as you are now, with curls too! x

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  9. thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it took a lot of courage, which you undoubtedly have aplenty. You look healthy and great, good for you (and your little boy, of course!).

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  10. Wow. I'm awestruck. You are incredibly brave and what's more - incredibly beautiful. In every single one of those photos.

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  11. My beautiful, brave friend.

    It just goes to show you rock every hairstyle ... even Beverley.

    I love you Wife xx

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  12. Yay you for posting these. One of my good friends just had a masectomy on the 7th and I saw her for the first time without her wig a week later. You are both brave!

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  13. You look beautiful in every photo.
    Thank you for sharing your amazing, moving story.

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  14. I am utterly blown away by this post.
    firstly, by how incredibly beautiful you are. with and without hair. and i really mean that.
    and secondly by the journey that is described. Sad. But ultimately one of real hope.
    i wish you all the very best.

    x
    ps i think it is utterly amazing that hair can grow back totally differently. truly a new life.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

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  15. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am in awe at your bravery. And you ROCK both long AND short hair ;)

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  16. Amazing. And beautiful - all of them.

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  17. There is nothing I can say that could convey how I felt reading your post. For me, "wow" doesn't even come close. I've never seen bravery like it; and my admiration for you is pretty freaking huge right now. And no, "pretty freaking huge" doesn't come close either.
    xxxxxx

    PS Jesus H I never knew you were so ruddy gorgeous!

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  18. I, too, am a breast cancer survivor. Although I never lost my hair, I did lose my feelings of invincibility. It's now been almost 20 years for me, and life is good!!
    Bless you!

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  19. A picture can say so much. What a brave post and a brave lady. Just stopped me in my tracks.

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  20. I bet there were many times you didn't want anyone taking those pictures. But look what you've done with them! What a strong way of documenting your journey.
    I think you look amazing in all the photos. Strong and beautiful.

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  21. That's a beautiful post. And the amazing thing, is that although you definitely look subdued in some of the pictures, you look like you throughout, as if your spirit was never broken.

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  22. How funny is it that post-chemo hair grows back curly - exactly the same thing happened to a friend of mine - and hers grew back grey as well.

    You are brave and amazing, and as Laura pointed out - not many people are beautiful with absolutely no hair, but you are - and I have a feeling that comes from within. Big mwaaaaah and a huge basket of fruit to you *snigger* xxxx

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  23. this is an incredible post. Very brave and I feel humbled to have been allowed to share it with you.

    It's amazing how different your hair grew back- I didn't realised that happened! Someone before me said it's like a real new start and that sounds good! x

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  24. I confess I'm in tears too. Not only for the loss and the painful times but at the wonder of your survival. And you know what? In all of the photos you shine through those beautiful big eyes of yours. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your photos. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been. xx

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  25. You really do look beautiful in every photo. Your journey is really profound and your eyes say so much in each photo. I commend your bravery for posting these.

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  26. beautiful in every way imaginable. And yes, you rock!

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  27. Utterly brilliant post, totally inspiring, and you are a very beautiful lady. Jaw dropping, and incredibly brave.xxxx

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  28. Wow. I am completely overwhelmed by all the comments and wonderful, supportive things you've all said. I want to respond individually, but I've got a really bad headache so I'll have to postpone until tomorrow! Thank you, everyone. xx

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  29. An AMAZING selfportrait to share with us! Thank you so much. You are a) so brave (fullsto), b) so brave for taking those photos and c) so brave for sharing it with us! AND I LOVE YOUR CURLS! They look GORGEOUS!! Your family must be SO proud of you!

    Maggy

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  30. Audrey - how brave and totally beautiful you are in every single one of the photos and still are. This must the best post for the Gallery

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  31. Amazing post. And amazing you, for having the courage to write it.

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  32. Wow. Thank you for sharing these. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. Those eyes! Jealous. X

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  33. What a brave and amazing post. You look stunning in every picture. This has to be the Gallery post of the week. xx

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  34. Wow, this brought tears to my eyes and a halt to my breath. What a fantastic, emotional Gallery post. x

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  35. You are absolutely brilliant and so brave. I love the way you write because in the middle of this incredibly poignant and moving story your joke about setting your wig on fire lightens the moment. One of my best friends has been through radio and two years on is still on medication. You remind me of her. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  36. You are so amazing. This post really moved me and it is so lovely of you to take us through your journey in pictures. Thank you xxx

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  37. You have come out the other side of it all a more beautiful person. You look absolutely lovely. Thanks for sharing, it must have been so hard to post those mid-treatment photographs. Very brave!

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  38. Your strength is amazing. Thank you for sharing your moving and inspirational story. Wishing you good health and happiness.

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  39. I am in awe - you are a courageous woman and what a way to tell your story.

    So glad you are better and stronger.

    LCM x

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  40. Such a moving post and so brave to share such personal photos. So glad to hear you made it through and with such courage.

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  41. Oh my goodness, I'm in tears. You look beautiful in every one. Your spirit shines through.

    I remember when my sister lost all her beautiful brown glossy hair through chemo. She had to wear an awful scratchy wig that made her look so old - not like a 12 year old at all. These days I think they have proper wigs for children. I think I made some flippant remark about my hair on my blog today - truthfully, I've never wanted to change it because my Mum never really wanted me to after seeing my sister lose hers. She sort of made me promise not to cut it all off. Hair has all sorts of associations.

    The last paragraph of this is amazing. You are moving away from it. Inspirational.

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  42. You look beautiful, cannot imagine what you have been through, but you must be a very strong person. xxx

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  43. I am in total awe of your bravery, you are so strong, and so beautiful too. Despite your obvious struggle I couldn't help but think that you look stunning in every one of those photos, you have the most breath taking eyes.
    I'm so glad that you're better now :)

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  44. I am sitting here half in tears, so moved by your story. You mention to see you peeping out through your eyes once more. Looking at your eyes is what told me the story. You are beautiful in each and every one of them!

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  45. You're pretty damn brave...well done indeed...you look fab

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  46. Wow, I feel priveledged to have read this post, and well done for sharing such emotional pictures.
    I can honestly say that you look beautiful in every single one of those pictures.
    You are an inspiring person, and that's why you braved it so well x

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  47. just found your blog via Tara's gallery. Amazing pics of an incredible time in your life. Well done for sharing. And you looked pretty awesome in all of them

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  48. I feel priviledged to have read this post and seen these photos, I have to say you look amazing in them all. Thank you.

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  49. I know it's probably all been said, but just wanted to add my voice to say that this is an incredibly moving and beautiful post. Thank you - I can't imagine how difficult it must have been.

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  50. How wonderful of you to take the step of sharing this with everyone. You look so beautiful - in all of those pictures. You didn't let it destroy you, and that is something to be immensely proud of.

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  51. Wow. Good for you for writing this.

    I did chemo last summer, for breast cancer, and lost all my hair. I didn't think it would be too big of a deal, but I HATED it. It really is so dehumanising.

    I didn't take a single photo of myself bald, and now I wish I had. It was part of my life, part of me, and I think it would be good to have a record of it, rather than trying to pretend it didn't happen.

    Good for you.

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  52. Amazing photos and an incredible documentary of your time getting to be without cancer. You look amazing right the way through and I love that you tried so many different styles too.

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  53. You are so brave. There are so many of us who aren't quite brave enough to share... yet! I thought you might be interested in these amazing portraits of more brave women that make me feel a little more accepting of my own scarred body.

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/The-SCAR-Project/255064983743?ref=ts

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  54. I'm a bit late. Okay, nearly a year late. But never mind.

    You are beautiful. When we got married, K was in the yellow-tinged and bald phase of chemo, and he still struggles to look at photos of himself, 15 years on. But we're still here, and you're still here, and that's worth celebrating. Big kiss and lots of love. xxxx

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  55. I'm also coming to this post a bit late, but I wanted to say that you look beautiful in every single photo. I hope things keep getting better and better for you.

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