Five year old O's top two front teeth are super wobbly. He's already lost two from the bottom, but these were quickly replaced by the new teeth and you really can't tell they've gone. I am in premature mourning for the top two teeth - they seem to represent the difference between his babyhood and him growing into a big boy. I don't feel ready to say goodbye to my boy's baby face just yet.
Every night we're doing a 'wobble check' and I have been teasing him that I'm going to glue them back in with super-glue if they come out. Ho, ho, we have such a giggle about it - I really have to rein myself in, as I really do think I will be glum when they go.
What is driving this dental misery? I think it's that I did so want two children, a younger sibling for O so that they could grow together and hopefully be as close as my sister and I, or his big brothers, Tiddles and Mosh. Then breast cancer came along and made me feel far too precarious to go ahead and have another baby. The thought that my only child is leaving his infancy behind is sometimes hard to think about even though I enjoy watching him grow and change. I do yearn though. Babies are all around me at the moment, friends are pregnant and others replete with new babes. I often feel cut off, like the clock stopped back in 2007 and I'm an anomaly, a freak and not quite a proper woman.
All this because of two wobbly teeth. I look at O and do know I'm blessed to have him. It's just that there's always going to be the thought of how it could have been and I think I need to mourn it to let it go. I'm still here, I've got a great man, a lovely boy, wonderful friends and family, but still I sit and brood.
I just need to know - will this yearning ever leave me? Or is it something you just learn to live with in time?