I’ve got these thoughts running through my head. They never let up. I lie in bed and they jab through the peace of my dreams. I drive to work and they spool behind my eyes, causing me to jump the lights and overshoot the roundabouts. I go to work - they leap out from their lair and make me scuttle around the building looking for somewhere to hide. I laugh with my friends and they poke me in the back and remind me of sorrows. I play with my son and they invade our games, unwelcome visitors in our world of make believe. I lay in the bliss of love and they pounce on me and remind me of what I have lost and what I may never get back.
They make me cry. They make me panic. They make me angry. They distract me from living my life.
I’m trying to force them out. For a long time I didn’t even recognise them as the interlopers they truly are. I thought these thoughts were part of me, but they’re not. I have lived with them for so long that I believed I was them, that they defined me.
I’m on to them now. I am worn down by these thoughts and I’m going to need help to oust them. Perhaps they’ll never really go, but I’m going to try and push them out from centre stage. They are not me, they are part of what went before and I am determined to make them retreat. So much of life is being sucked away by these thoughts. I didn’t get through it all to live a half life, worn down by thinking of things that can’t be changed.
I will do it. I am trying so hard. All I ask is that you let me take my time. That you take my hand and try to let my angry tears wash over you. That when it's tough, you give me your support, grab me tight and do your best to hold me up.